Linger longer: the key to great sexual experiences.

Linger longer is a term often used in gestalt therapy.  As therapists, we remind ourselves to linger longer with clients - not to rush sessions but to ‘stay with’ what ever emerges between the therapist client.  It is the moments in-between that are often rich and juicy.  These are windows into the core of our experiencing and awareness of these moments is the key to creating personal transformation.

 

When we slow down and learn to linger longer we can become aware of so many sensations.  Smells, sounds, bodily sensations, emotions, energy and intuitive impulses.  There is a sea of experiencing in these moments that we can easily miss if we are in a hurry to reach an end result.  Gestalt therapy is aimed at helping individuals make full contact with their environment and to experience being fully alive in the moment.    Being fully alive is to be aware of our sensory experiences, not lost in our habitual thought patterns or behaviours.  This is also known as mindfulness.

 

In day to day life, mindfulness is a moment to moment occurrence – not an all day event. Mindfulness is not a goal in itself – it is lifelong process of unfolding awareness.  One day you have one moment of awareness and on other day you might have a few.   Each moment holds its own richness, and awareness is relative from moment to moment. Often we are so busy doing things we forget to slow down and “smell the roses”.   In our busy-ness, we can miss the fullness of life in the moment.

 

Learning to linger longer is also great advice for anyone who wants to have a more fulfilling sexual experience.  If we can learn to slow down sexual experiencing, we can open ourselves up to a wealth of sensory experiencing that can add depth and richness to our sexuality and relationships.   Sex is so much more then intercourse or genital stimulation.  At every moment during sexual play, there are smells, sounds, sights, touch, tastes, breath, energy and hormonal rushes, textures. The wealth of sensory experiencing is immense.   

 

Yet despite the sensory bath of sexual experiencing, our thoughts can still get in the way of the moment.   A preoccupied mind can ruin the best sexual experience with just one intrusive thought.  One moment we are relishing our lovers smell and the feeling of their skin and touch and the next moment we are lost in thoughts about an unrelated subject or problem.   In a flash we can turn ourselves off and disconnect from our partners. Usually we don’t just walk away at that moment, but gently bring our awareness back to our partners and love making. In this way sexual experiencing is a wonderful exercise in mindfulness – our mind wanders and we gentle bring our attention back to the moment

 

Learning to linger longer is essential mindful sex.  Like meditation, mindful sex takes practice. We can learn so much about ourselves through mindful sex practices.  We can observe the nature of our thoughts, our impulses and our resistances.  We can deepen our experiences of sensory pleasure and deepen intimacy with our partners. Slowly, with more practice, we get better at staying with the sensations of sexual experiencing and learn to receive and give pleasure.  We learn to notice the subtleties of sensations and to resonate with our partners.  Eroticism and intimacy is enhanced and sex becomes lively, expansive and exciting. Like therapy, lingering longer is the key to any transformational sexual experience.